A few years ago we had a spate of deaths by cheese – most infamously EP Eriksson and Amanda Gardham. At the time it was hard to tell whether the cheese was just intrinsically dangerous or consciously malevolent. However, JJ Bannister has recently reported to the Scientific Society a sighting of semi-sentient cheese and has provided us with a picture of said.

We don’t have a location for the cheese at present, but we do know that it is armed, and it looks angry. However hungry you are, do not approach this cheese. Do not attempt to eat this cheese as it may be perfectly capable of attacking you. Do not ascribe sightings of this cheese to mushroom consumption or to having licked a dustcat. We can’t absolutely promise that it isn’t a hallucination, but for the time being it seems best to err on the side of caution.

Have you been afflicted by cheese recently? Do you know where this cheese is at present? Have you got ideas for a cheese trap? Tell us.