Perhaps it escaped from the Cheese Festival that killed Amanda Gardham. Perhaps it fermented alone in some forgotten bucket, infested with agents of change, or night potato extract. Given how eerily it glowed blue in the dark, perhaps it was a haunted cheese, full of a raging hunger for retribution. Over what, it is hard to say. EP Eriksson was a quiet, and thoughtful sort, unlikely to attract the rage of a ghost infested cheese, you might assume.

The blue cheese appeared to have attacked from above, smothering its victim and leaving EP Eriksson barely identifiable. Only the yapping of ghost-hound Roku alerted passers-by to the incident. They were unable to help. Or perhaps reluctant – the cheese gave off a terrible stench by all accounts, and seemed poised to strike again. After what happened to Amanda, cheese mistrust is at an all time high on the island.

Anyone who has met EP Eriksson will be used to the sight of ghost-hound Roku following along behind with one ear up and one ear down. They shipwrecked together – an unusual occurrence as we don’t normally get ghosts from off the island itself. Clearly a strong bond in life had continued beyond the grave.

Witnesses at the scene tell me they saw EP Eriksson depart in ghostly form, accompanied by Roku, leaving the body and the ominous cheese behind them. With the death process complete, the cheese relinquished its victim and oozed towards those nearest to it. It is my understanding that people simply screamed and ran away. Consequently, no one knows where the blue cheese is now, or whether it will strike again.

If you must go out at night, be alert to unusual smells and wear a hat to protect your head and face from attack. On no account should anyone risk eating a feral cheese, there is simply no knowing what it might do to you. Unless of course it attacks you and you are obliged to eat it in self defence of course. Whether this might work, remains to be seen.