“It was dashed fortunate that your grandmother chose to be haunting Scilly Point this morning, or we might never have found it,” said Reggie Upton, gazing appreciatively at the open wooden box that was sitting on the table.

“Isn’t it just,” said Philomena Bucket, with surprisingly little enthusiasm.

“Why, that wheel of cheese must weigh at least nine pounds,” gushed Reggie, adding hopefully, ”I wonder what the wine will taste like?”

“What I’m wondering,” said Philomena, ignoring him, “is what, exactly, Granny was doing down at Scilly Point in the first place. She never ventures far from the inn, unless she has to.”

“Well, that’s as maybe,” said Reggie. “Let’s just consider ourselves lucky that she was able to tell us where to find the box before the tide washed it back out to sea again.”

Philomena said nothing. This did not, somehow, feel at all right.

Little did either of them suspect that the cheese and wine came courtesy of Durosimi O’Stoat, who, for once, had been as good as his word.

You may recall that, having discovered another route to the Underland, and finding himself in Doctor John Dee’s study, Durosimi had wasted no time in perusing the alchemist’s notebooks. By great good fortune he had arrived there in the year 1583, when Dee and his friend, Edward Kelley, were safely out of the way. It seemed that the pair were indulging in some magical mystery tour of their own, somewhere in the depths of Poland.

Hopeless Maine’s very own sorcerer pored over the notebooks, envisaging the power he might have, once his mastery of the Underland was established. John Dee’s occasionally impenetrable handwriting indicated that he was fully conversant with the arcane secrets of the Underland – secrets that Durosimi was keen to unravel.  So far his best efforts had only allowed him the ability to return to Tudor England whenever he chose. Until he knew more, this was better than nothing, and by disguising himself as a genuine Elizabethan gentleman, was able to move freely around London. Durosimi had to admit, that for all of the city’s squalor, it provided a most pleasant change from being forever in the confines of fog-bound and impoverished Hopeless.

Then one day Granny Bucket materialised in Dee’s study. Durosimi was keen to keep his visits to the Underland safely under wraps, at least until he knew more, and Granny was famously indiscreet. Being, above all, a pragmatist (albeit a devious one), he made a deal with Granny; tell no one, and the patrons of The Squid and Teapot will soon be enjoying the choicest fare that Elizabthen England could offer.

Pro quid quo, he had said. Pro quid quo.

When Philomena had satisfied herself that the cheese and wine were genuinely fit for human consumption, and not a trap set by some soul-devouring entity, or any similar agent of evil, she consented for it to be put on the menu of The Squid and Teapot. Those who had lived all of their days on the island had, in all likelihood, never tasted cheese.

“I can’t help but think that young Winston Oldspot might enjoy a spot of cheese,” Reggie said to Rhys Cranham. “I’ll wander down to Poo Corner later, when he starts his rounds.”

Winston had been Rhys’ protege, and was now the island’s new Night-Soil Man. Having lost his sense of smell when in India, years earlier, Reggie was in the unique position of being happily able to spend time in the company of the Night-Soil Man.

“I just hope that he appreciates what you’re doing.” said Rhys with a smile, thinking of his years of isolation in the job, when no one could bear to stand within a hundred yards of him.

“I have heard of cheese,” said Winston. “Never tried it, though.” The young man chewed reflectively, nodding in approval as his taste-buds registered that here was something new to take on board.

“Is this what Mister O’Stoat left at Scilly Point last night?”

“Durosimi?” said Reggie in surprise, “I wouldn’t think so…”

‘Well, I saw him leaving a box of something there. I reckon it must’ve been this.”

Reggie scratched his head. What was Durosimi up to this time? And had Granny really stumbled on the wooden box by accident?

Reggie wondered if he should tell Philomena, then he thought better of it. If the girl believed that Durosimi had anything to do with the cheese and wine she would probably throw the lot into the Atlantic, and that would be a great pity.

“I wouldn’t be inclined to mention that, if I were you,” said Reggie.

“Best keep it under your hat for now, my friend.”

“As no one else ever speaks to me, that won’t be a problem” replied

Winston, philosophically.

“I must have a quiet word with Granny Bucket,” Reggie thought to himself as he walked back to the inn. “I am sure that the old girl knows far more than she is saying.”

Meanwhile, far away, in time and space, Granny was busily trying to persuade Durosimi that the price of her silence far exceeded nine pounds of Cheddar and a flagon of malmsey…