The night sky above Hopeless is as peculiar as the land itself, and full of omens – any time to fog clears fo long enough to let you see them. Folklorist Idris Po has come up with some guidance for the coming year based on the star signs he has identified.
Our usual caveat – Idris assures us that this will be as reliable for predicting the future as any other vague system designed to make generalised predictions for large numbers of diverse people.
Hopeless signs may be assumed to align with the more conventional system unless you feel a strong sense of connection with one of them, or get to the end and realise something important about yourself.
The Bemused Starfish – sometimes you’re on the beach, drying out, sometimes you’re tossed about in the sea. It’s isn’t always obvious which one is worse, but this coming year should at least bring you some clarity about what you hate most in life. Your best hope for survival is to stay out of small boats.
The Succubus Wasp – you are probably embarking on a new relationship. You may well have high hopes for this one, and the new year energy is making you fizz. However, expect to be disappointed, again. Your best hope for survival is to avoid getting into a relationship with someone born under the sign of the succubus wasp.
The Bucket – you’re dreaming that this will be the year when you do something wild and memorable. You won’t. You’re a bucket by nature and far too sensible, but on the plus side this makes it unlikely that you will die an especially weird death.
Cuttlefish Overlords – this is a good year for plots and schemes. Start planning now to get ahead on your enemies. To survive the coming year, be especially vigilant about anything that could have poison in it, which means you will have to do all your own cooking. Stay paranoid to reap the benefits the coming months have to offer.
The Night Soil Carrier – sometimes being willing to do what no one else will do brings incredible benefits. Well, this is not your year, there’s just more being put upon to look forward to, and increasing demands on your ability not to be squeamish. You’ll probably survive – you are good at that.
The Ominous Watcher – it’s time to pick something new to obsess over. Move on from whatever you’ve been fixating from and find a new victim. Watch out for anyone who takes undue interest in your nail clippings or who asks to borrow your chamber pot.
The Ur-Deer – hiding in your home is going to be the best choice for you, much as it was last year. Avoiding people is always a great survival tactic, although you need to work on your gardening skills if you intend to eat. Starving to death is your greatest risk in the coming months.
The Half Person – direct attention to other people’s dire secrets in order to avoid too much scrutiny. Make sure that the secret place you go to for doing unspeakable things is properly secluded and that you aren’t being followed.
The Large Angry Mammal. – this year will bring you plenty of things to get angry about, You’re going to be incredibly cross about what happens in the spring while events in the coming summer will make you truly incandescent. Try not to actually set yourself on fire if you want to live.
The Scuttling Entity – Stay away from toadstools, toads, toadies and other people’s toes for the best chance at surviving the coming year. Stay low to the ground and try not to attract attention by fidgeting. You cant hide effectively if you fidget.
Mostly teeth – smile at the world and the world will recoil in horror. This year is going to live up to your expectations – sorry about that. Try not going out after dark, and do your best not to bite the things that make you feel uneasy.
Night Potatoes – it’s all about digging in for you. Dig in, and if that doesn’t work, dig in a bit more. If you dig in too far you’ll probably disturb some eldritch horror that will then consume you, but you probably wanted to go that way anyway.
Inexplicably Standing on the Roof – no one is quite sure where this star sign fits in the year as it comes and goes erratically. Much like you. If you are the sort of person to inexplicably stand on the roof then this is your sign, no matter when you were born. No one has any useful advice for you because nothing you do is going to make a great deal of sense and you probably aren’t even trying.
(Star sign images and text by Nimue)
