Horrorscopes have always been challenging on the island. When we can see the skies at night, they don’t reliably conform to expectation. Islanders who lived somewhere else before shipwrecking here do not always recognise our constellations.  To further complicate things, you may not know when you were born or what your star sign might be. It all makes plucking meaning from celestial bodies that bit harder. But who doesn’t like to try and pluck meaning from bodies?

Folklorist Idris Po has come up with a new system, the details of which are below. To find out your Hopeless Maine astrological sign, simply read the descriptions and see which one best matches you. Idris assures us that this will be as reliable for predicting the future as any other vague system designed to make generalised predictions for large numbers of diverse people.

The Bemused Starfish – you are largely confused most of the time.

The Succubus Wasp – you are sexy and dangerous and all of your relationships are messy.

The Bucket – you are sensible, pragmatic and well prepared.

Cuttlefish Overlords – you are pretentious, overconfident and may eventually take over.

The Night Soil Carrier – you are the bottom of the social pile and probably don’t smell so good.

The Ominous Watcher – you like to skulk about and may have more eyes than is usual.

The Ur-Deer – you are a shy woodland creature and largely ineffectual.

The Half Person – you are also half something else. How well are you hiding that?

The Large Angry Mammal. –  you are angry.  You may not actually be that large and you may not technically be a mammal.

The Scuttling Entity – you are anxious, fidgety and probably hiding behind a cupboard.

Mostly teeth – you smile too much and are generally hungry.

Night Potatoes – you know who you are but you probably won’t admit it.

Inexplicably Standing on the Roof – we can see you. No one knows why you keep doing this.