Tag Archives: coffee

Hopeless Maine Artifacts

Making clothes from coffee

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Erek Vaehne has been exploring the kinds of things islanders might be able to make clothes out of. This week, we explore coffee…

“COFFEE GROUNDS:  Fabric made using discarded coffee grounds is one example of an interesting textile innovation. Two companies are offering such products. Germany-based sneaker brand Nat-2™ recently debuted a sneaker that smells like coffee made using repurposed coffee grounds. The sneakers feature up to 50 percent recycled coffee grounds depending on the style, which produces a smooth and fine texture, according to the company. The type of coffee used varies upon sustainable availability. Taiwan-based Singtex Industrial Co. Ltd.’s S.Café® yarn is made using coffee grounds. The patented yarn manufacturing process maximizes the functional performance capacity of the coffee grounds. Singtex’s technology combines the processed coffee grounds and polymer to create master batches before spinning it into yarn. The company reports the yarn offers excellent natural anti-odor qualities, ultraviolet protection and fast drying times up to 200-percent faster than drying times for cotton.”

Coffee is a tricky subject for islanders and one I’ve delved into before – https://hopelessvendetta.wordpress.com/2023/01/22/the-hideous-truth-about-coffee/

However, it was only a matter of time before the good people of Hopeless stared mournfully into their especially hairy coffee mugs and wondered. Could there be something better to do with the hair than putting it in our mouths? The sensation was unsettling at best, all that waving silky threadiness, even if it did give you a lift, of sorts. 

Hairy coffee can be harvested quickly, especially if grown in large, open trays where it gets more room and light. The threads are best harvested at about eight inches in length – longer than that and they are too fragile for use. It takes great care and patience to spin them into a more substantial yarn, but it can indeed be done. Thread can then be woven or knitted at need.

At present, this is a highly experimental fabric type. There are three known hairy coffee jumpers at large on the island. They are said to be warm and very soft, but you should not wear them at night as they will make you go down to the sea and sing filthy songs to mermaids. At least according to Idris Po, who assures us this is why he was recently found doing so. Until further research has been undertaken, it may be safest not to make blankets out of hairy coffee threads. But then, we’ve been saying for a while that hairy coffee probably isn’t safe to drink and yet people see hairy coffee and continue to be willing to imbibe it.

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The hideous truth about coffee

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Coffee beans do not grow on the island of Hopeless. Anything that cannot be grown or made here might occasionally wash up from a shipwreck. For people who have lived on the island all their lives this isn’t much of a problem because real, proper coffee has never been a thing.
However, if you’ve known true coffee, then what happens on the island is a source of pain and dismay. There really is nothing quite like salt soaked, wood flavoured coffee that’s been in the sea for a day or two.


Then there are the coffees the islanders like to make. Much of this is inspired by having consumed salty wood flavoured coffee. Or by having survived the coffees made by other islanders. Sometimes, the people who have consumed proper coffee in the past go a bit mad and try to make coffee out whatever is to hand. This never goes well.


In the picture, we see a cup of Master Scutcheon’s hairy coffee. The hideous origin story can be found over here – https://hopelessvendetta.wordpress.com/2017/05/19/master-scutcheons-hairy-coffee/


Desperation breeds terrible choices. Yes, there are plants that taste bitter and not all of them will kill you. Yes, a bit of dirt will give you exactly the right colour. Yes there are two kinds of berries that give you a buzzy, lively feeling. One causes chronic flatulence and the other may lead you to temporarily believe that you are a duck.

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Shipwreck!

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Shipwreck on the North Coast
Shipwreck on the North Coast

 

Last Friday, the evening tides carried in more debris than usual, including several dead bodies (unidentified and now buried). It appears that a small ship of unknown origin hit the rocks on our north coast. Various intrepid folk have been out to the wreck, bringing back all kinds of interesting goods. I remind all readers that scavenging rules are simple – finders keepers. Anything washed up on the beaches belongs to the person who manages to make off with it. Rumours of coffee and chocolate led to scenes of brawling over the weekend, but no lasting damage done. Mithra Stubbs at the Black Swann Bakery claims to have shipwreck coffee for sale, by the mug. Having sampled it myself, I can’t say that it tastes any different from the stuff she usually sells. Perhaps this means that Mithra’s ersatz coffee is especially convincing. I wouldn’t want to suggest outright that one of our fair citizens might be lying through her teeth, but there is scope for doubt here.