Field Journal Notes of Philander Jones

Lead research botanist and chemist of the Hopeless Horticultural Society

Notes on The ‘Phallus Flacidious’ or Hopeless Stinkhorn

The common Stinkhorn is well known beyond these shores as a fungi best described with care in the compony of ladies. Indeed, a gentleman taking a young lady with an interest in botany out into the woods does well to avoid any patching of Stinkhorns he may recall. If, however the gentleman botanist is unfortunate enough to come across a common stinkhorn while escorting a young lady on a woodland excursion it is recommended in several journals on the subject of stinkhorns he attack the fungi with his cudgel.*

One notes, no gentleman of the Hopeless Horticultural Society should ever enter perambulate the woods without a robust cudgel of some description or at the very least a sturdy walking cane.

Quite apart from anything else they are useful for incentivising research orphans, the idle wastrels, by means of swift percussion. There are also of course ‘things’ in the woods of Hopeless of more danger to both the botanist and any young lady he may be escorting than fungi of an immoral nature and whilst it is the duty of research orphans to throw themselves between danger and the botanist, they prove cowardly in such endeavours as oft as not. Scampering away at the first sign on danger.

There is however, a note of warning, while there are many verities of the common stinkhorn on the island, standing proudly in defiance of decency. The Botanist should beware of cudgelling the increasingly common ‘Phallus Flacidious’ or Hopeless Stinkhorn. A variety of stinkhorn considered unique to the island which in defiance of its more erect relatives tends to grow a little then collapse under its own weight and slump to the ground. While this is of course less of a threat to the innocence minds of young ladies, I have come to believe the Hopeless stinkhorn lets out spores that affect the mind of gentlemen as this is the only reasonable explanation of why the sight of it incites strange feelings of inadequacy in this botanist.

While the dangers of escorting young impressionable ladies on naturalist excursions should be obvious, one also notes that the use of the word ‘naturalist’ in this context can easily be misconstrued. As Mrs Beaton took great pains to explain to us while wielding a wooden spoon. One advises the botanist does not use the word in her vicinity, and also that he makes it very clear when inviting young ladies to take a stroll through the verdant splendour of the wild arboretums of Hopeless he is doing so in order to invest in her his knowledge of nature’s wonders and not in order to gain knowledge of the wonders of the young lady in the garb of nature…

Additional note: Unfortunately, while this botanist has on occasion requested the company of several young ladies of the island on his woodland excursions, they seem reluctant to venture out with him. Even when it is made plain that the research organ will be accompanying them into the woods.

Nevertheless one does ones best to cudgel any common stinkhorns one comes across for sake of public decency.         

*This is all true, Victorian gentlemen did indeed take cudgels to stinkhorns all the time according to the Woodland Trust and I am not about to argue with botanists. They know exactly which fungi are poisonous.  

(Text and logo by Mark Hayes, realistic illustration of stinkhorn toadstools by Nimue)