Following on from the great success of his ghostwalking service, Artemus Deadman is now offering unexorcisms.

Have you had a friend or loved one exorcised recently? Did it not go to plan? Granted, none of us really enjoyed the way Horace Chevin used to screech during the period when he appeared to have been possessed by the spirit of a furious chicken, but what happened next was so much worse.

Reverend Davies’ exorcism returned Horace to his original condition. At which point he took up yelling about foreigners and newcomers and how we ought to throw shipwreckees back in the sea because there isn’t enough milk to go round at the best of times and they do it to themselves because they’re heard about how good our milk is.

On reflection, the Chevin family decided that Horace’s personal belief in the health benefits of drinking your own urine was also rather unpleasant. It turned out that while he thought he was a furious chicken, his personal hygiene greatly improved, and there were far fewer incidents where he actually bit anyone.

Unexorcism fixed all of this, and Horace is back to scratching around in the yard and occasionally eating worms. He shrieks, but he says mercifully little. It turns out to be the least troubling option.

If you’ve tried exorcism, and it hasn’t worked for you, then pay a visit to Artemus Deadman. He will undertake to coax the exorcised spirit back into its former vessel and return your loved one to a more manageable state.

Unexorcism, because sometimes demons aren’t anything like as horrible as the people they’ve possessed.

(Concept and image by Wullie Steele – https://william-steele.co.uk/ text by Nimue.)