Category Archives: Island News

Births, Deaths, Marriages, Island News

Symon Sanderson has quite exploded

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By Frampton Jones

The one islander who steadfastly refused to turn a blind eye to crime – Symon Sanderson, has died. Symon was a lone voice for taking murder seriously, in a community that has always tended to treat private killings as a private matter. That he himself has now been deliberately killed is a terrible irony. What is most strange about this whole case, is that Doc Willoughby has become a vocal activist for intervention.

Doc Willoughby made a formal statement to me for publication: “The man was blown up. Who has the resources to do something like that, eh? Clearly it’s the work of Herr Doktor. No longer should we tolerate his careless killing of fellow citizens.”

Doc Willoughby has, in the past, been one of the loudest voices in favour of not interfering with other people’s personal choices around killing.

Symon Sanderson has indeed exploded in a manner that suggests he did not simply eat the wrong thing. Bits of the device thrown at him were found at the scene of his death (by me). Herr Doktor tells me that he is entirely innocent but that someone broke into his lab only a few days ago, and he’s not quite sure what was taken. “There’s a lot of stuff in my lab,” he said, ’it’s hard to keep track of it all.” I asked him how he knew there had been a theft and he said the muddy footprints on the floor and the broken window were a bit of a giveaway. Symon Sanderson had been investigating all of this before his untimely demise. What he learned, we will probably never know.

Witnesses who prefer to remain anonymous claim to have overheard Doc Willoughby shouting in the street only moments before the explosion. It might be a coincidence of course. The Doc has had a terrible run of bad luck with people dying around him for as long as I can remember, although that does seem to have hit a peak in recent weeks, even by his usual standards.

Symon will be missed. Which is also a terrible irony because whoever threw the infernal device didn’t miss him at all.

Births, Deaths, Marriages, Island News

The death of the Crotchet Queen is nothing to do with me whatsoever

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By Doc Willoughby

It is scandalous that Herr Doktor is able to spread such terrible rumours about me! I, Doc Willoughby have been medical doctor for this island for a great many years and just because he’s come here from away with his bleepy toys does not make him an expert in anything.

Herr Doktor has been telling people that Mrs A, The Crotchet Queen died of a violent blow to the back of the head right outside my very own consulting rooms. This is manifestly nonsense, the blow to the back of the head was caused by fainting, and the reason she was face down was that she bounced after she fainted. She has always been prone to bouncing and as her Doctor, I am the person best qualified to comment on this tragedy.

Mrs A had a chronic, compulsive yarn disorder which I had been treating for some time now with measured applications of brandy and certain secret compounds of my own. She came of me of her own free will and stayed because I was of great assistance to her, and not as rumour has suggested, because my medicines are inherently addictive. I do not care to know what kind of analysis Herr Doktor claims to have done in his lab! He is a charlatan!

Mrs A’s chronic, compulsive yarn disorder had frayed her nerves severely, leading to the fainting. It’s been a bad week for fainting, I grant you a number of people have done that right outside my rooms – that was very foresighted of them to collapse where help would be most readily on-hand. That I have been advertising a new medicinal compound is pure coincidence and I wish that uneducated islanders would stop making up these dreadful, uninformed rumours about things they do not properly understand. Like how normal it is for people to bounce onto their faces after falling and banging their heads.

Why would Herr Doktor suggest that a man of my excellent reputation is in the habit of killing patients right outside his own consulting rooms? It is clearly to direct attention away from himself. We should ask what he’s been doing, and what the lights in his lab at night are all about, and why he has secured his letterbox to stop right-minded citizens like myself from peering in. And we should ask why he was loitering about outside my rooms when Mrs A had her little accident. Was it the unexpected sight of his face that caused her to faint and thus bang her head in the first place?

It’s my word against his and he has no proof, no proof at all that I was holding anything in my hands at the time.

Births, Deaths, Marriages, Island News

Rebecca Field confirms all of my personal theories

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By Doc Willougby

Today I viewed the body of recently deceased Rebecca Field, and it is the only obvious conclusion that she died at the hands of that notorious fiend and fraudster, Herr Doktor. I’ve been saying since he arrived that it would simply be a matter of time before he killed, and this is the first time I’ve confidently been able to blame him for a death.

This is why I am a pillar of the community, and he is not.

There were no witnesses to Rebecca’s death. I think that’s always pretty suspicions. I found her body myself and was immediately alerted to the fact that something was wrong by the strange, blue tinge to her lips and the pool of blood around her body. It takes a trained expert to properly understand these things. Herr Doktor is not a trained expert, no matter what he has being saying to people.

It is my years of experience that make it possible for me to say that Rebecca Field was definitely murdered, and to be able to identify the killer. These are not things I can easily explain to lesser minds. It is all a matter of nuance and special insight. She had not been drinking. I had not given her anything to drink. I was nowhere near her until long after she passed away. I can tell that, because I can tell these things about a body that no one else can.

The stab wound in her chest definitely wasn’t a stab wound, it must have been caused by some kind of experimental ray gun of the type Herr Doktor likes to make and try out on people. We’d see more of these injuries if he wasn’t so infernally good at hiding the bodies. But I know what he’s doing. I can look a man in the eye and understand these sorts of things, because I have special training.

I knew Rebecca Field was going to die. I looked into her eyes and I saw the death right there, waiting to happen.  I saw it long before she started telling people that my cures were not working and that she doubted my methods. I saw that death, and once again I have been proved right in a way that clearly had nothing to do with me whatsoever.

Births, Deaths, Marriages, Island News

Colin Mathieson turned out to be not quite sensible enough

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By Frampton Jones

I’d always had Colin Mathieson down as a fairly sensible sort of chap. The sort of fellow to know when to let go of a fishing rod, thus avoiding a sudden death by sea monster. The sort of chap not to find it persuasive to make blood sacrifices when an ancient evil took up residence in his kettle a few years back. Someone, I thought, who had the potential to survive as an islander for the longer term.

But no.

The kilt got him.

Where exactly the kilt came from and who its original owner was, I can only speculate. Whether it was haunted, possessed, cursed, enchanted, infested or had something else wrong with it, I could not say. I am not sure how one diagnoses the nature of the horror infusing such a garment. For horror it surely was. It appeared on his washing line, uninvited. A modest looking kilt, solidly made and in good condition. There it fluttered, innocent and alluring. Despite being an otherwise sensible man, Colin Mathieson failed to see the danger in the kilt, took it into his home, and wrapped it about his person.

For three days, the kilt had full control of Colin’s body. At first, his street dancing seemed amusing and novel, but the growing look of horror on his face told a different story. The kilt danced him through the streets of Hopeless. The kilt took him in and out of The Squid and Teapot at all hours of the night, his body clearly powerless to resist its relentless demands for alcohol. And finally, when the kilt had had its evil way with him and could find no further amusement, it left  him somewhat undignified, and cold.

Which bit of that process actually killed him, it is hard to say. No one knows where the kilt is now, or whether it may strike again, but islanders are advised to be vigilant about any and all tartan materials, and probably also anything made of tweed.

 

Colin can be found with or without his kilt at Accent Comics http://www.accentukcomics.com/

And here’s the kickstarter, which could result in other people dancing in and out of pubs if we reach that last stretch goal…

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/countrostov/tales-of-hopeless-maine

 

Births, Deaths, Marriages, Island News

Cliff Cumber has drawn his last weapon

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By Frampton Jones

Friends, only yesterday we were mourning the demise of Moog Gravett, trampled and eaten by a giant cow. Today, the terrible truth about the cow has come to light, and the terrible consequences continue. I feel partly responsible – I did see the cow from afar and I might have recognised it.

When Cliff Cumber came to the island, we had to take all his pens away. You may remember what happened with the scantily clad women he drew. What it is about his art that caused it to gain partial, misty form and walk amongst us, no one has ever established. What we do know for certain is that if Cliff Cumber draws, the drawing comes to life.

Being a passably sensible chap, he stopped doing this after the third alluring lady was released upon the populous. Or at least, he seemed to have stopped. It may have been a heroic inclination on his part to draw something that would eat the red weed. I feel certain he had no intention of killing Moog. But then, I don’t think he meant to drive Phum Chevin into a fit of psychotic madness with the naked ladies, either. Such is life.

Once formed, Cliff’s previous creatures have remained semi-substantial until they eventually blew away in the mist. The cow, designed to be able to eat red weed, had far more substance. It ate several chickens this morning and threatened a number of people. Being not quite real, the cow was able to harm us, while we could do it no damage at all. Missile weapons passed through it. Panic typical of a Thursday morning on the island was settling in before Cliff turned up at the scene with a massive spear he had drawn. He went into battle, and the fight was furious. The cow is gone, and Cliff did not survive his many injuries.

His art supplies will be buried with him. I am sure nothing could possibly go wrong with this arrangement.

 

You can find one of Cliff’s infamous naked ladies in this Hopeless Vendetta post – https://hopelessvendetta.wordpress.com/2017/08/29/betty-butterow/

 

Last few days of the kickstarter – https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/countrostov/tales-of-hopeless-maine

Births, Deaths, Marriages, Island News

Moog Gravett – if only his beard had been some other colour

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By Frampton Jones

Of course these recent fallings out of the sky are by no means the first that we’d had to deal with on Hopeless. Those of you who have not yourselves recently wrecked here in one way or another, will recall that Moog Gravett also fell out of the sky.

He had an odd tale to tell. Apparently he had boarded some kind of flying machine belonging to one Professor Elemental. I have, ever since this time, been one of the many islanders to be inflicted with re-occurring nightmares about this gentleman and his inventions. Given the many horrors that have left little or no mark on me over the years, this is quite some achievement.

Moog has been a delightful chap to have around, I will miss him. I will miss his unique approaches to the maintenance of facial hair, and the things he did to ducks. I try not to be sentimental about the dead – we have so many of them after all. I may make an exception in his case. Thus far there are no signs that he will return to us in spectral form and I admit to being disappointed.

His death was as bizarre as it was pointless, and my being proved right about everything gives me little comfort. Of course the red weed menace was part of a larger cycle. The red weed has gone now, entirely eaten by the giant cow that solidified out of the mist. Unfortunately, said giant cow trampled Moog to death and ate his beard before going on the red weed eating rampage I had been hoping for.

Whether there were further fatalities, is not currently known. Please do check and count the children in your household and be alert to the possibility that absent relatives may have been ground under hoof rather than whatever fate you had assumed was theirs.

The giant cow is at present mostly active in the Gaunt Street area, and seems inclined to eat anything red. You have been warned.

 

Moog and his beard can be found on youtube – https://www.youtube.com/user/iammoog/videos where there is nothing at all about ducks and quite a bit of his work with Professor Elemental.

The kickstarter we’re currently doing is over here, and also, thanks to the stretch goals, has a bit of Professor Elemental in it. https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/countrostov/tales-of-hopeless-maine 

Births, Deaths, Marriages, Island News

Mark Hayes and the red weed menace

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By Frampton Jones

Like many people who have washed up on the shores of Hopeless, Maine, Mark Hayes has told us many tales of his previous experiences. Some of those tales have been rather fanciful, and one always has the sense that he might be making things up. Which is, when you get down to it, probably why he is now dead.

This round of blood rain has brought us some unusual red plants – a rather cheering addition to our often drab and dreary landscape, I thought. Mark Hayes was the only one of us to react to them with absolute horror. He even suggested that we should set about destroying them at once on the grounds that they would take over everything. It reminded me (and no doubt others) of that time Ezekiel Marmalade tried to persuade us all that night potatoes are the seed of the devil and should be burned to ashes, rather than the better procedure of slightly charring them so they keep still while you eat them.

Mark Hayes went alone to try and wipe out what he called the menace of the red weeds. A few people went along to watch, but no one really took him seriously. I gather from them that the weeds resisted him strenuously. Some of them have gone so far as to develop faces, full of teeth. While horrified onlookers stood around and watched and made no effort to help, Mark was eaten by the plants.

The red weed appears to be expanding much as Mark said it would. Unfortunately, now that he’s dead we can’t find out anything useful from him about how to deal with it. Staying away from the teeth is clearly a good choice. Perhaps this is simply a natural extension of the natural cycle that brought us the blood rain, and thus we can expect something even more alarming to come along and eat the plants in the fullness of time.

In the meanwhile, we should all learn from the death of Mark Hayes – stay away from the red plants, and don’t do anything heroic. Just because a person turns out to be right about something being a problem, it doesn’t mean it is also advisable to leap into action. Apathy saves lives, but not all newcomers to the island always appreciate this.

 

Find out more about the kinds of stories Mark Hayes makes up over here – https://markhayesblog.com 

While the kickstarter for which he so nobly died is over here – https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/countrostov/tales-of-hopeless-maine 

Births, Deaths, Marriages, Island News

Rob Rowell was not responsible for the blood rain

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By Frampton Jones

Those of you who saw Rob Rowell fall from the sky during the blood rain can be excused for thinking it was his blood. It wasn’t. Those of you who were alive and present for the previous rampage of giant slugs will remember the sinister birds and the blood rain. This is clearly a natural cycle and we should not worry ourselves overly about it.

This cycle however has now brought us two gentleman, neither of whom has had the pleasure of being a Hopeless Maine citizen for long. Rob Rowell lived long enough after his plummet to tell us his name, that the Martian Expeditionary Force needs us, and that terrible things are happening in the skies over Hopeless Maine.

Of course terrible things are happening in the skies over Hopeless Maine. It’s hard to work up any specific enthusiasm or anxiety over something so routine as that!

I tried my best to interview Rob Rowell before he died – I for one would like a better sense of where these fine gentlemen are plummeting from. His speech was sporadic, but he held on heroically, determined to tell me how important it is that we, as an island, enlist to fight the Martian menace. I tried to explain to him that any menace coming here will have to deal with the assortment of menace already living here and that we usually leave them to fight it out amongst themselves.

It is my understanding that at this very moment, there are people in some kind of sky craft above us fighting with something fairly unspeakable. We may see more of them join us – however temporarily – as a consequence of this fight.

As an aside, this blood rain seems to have brought on the flourishing of red plants, the like of which I do not recall seeing before.

 

You can join the Martian Expeditionary Force on Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/groups/1826177650991929/ 

Or help Hopeless Maine see off the red menace by backing the kickstarter (we’ll work on how this functions as a causal relationship, bear with us…. ) https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/countrostov/tales-of-hopeless-maine

Births, Deaths, Marriages, Island News

Lady M – another suspected murder victim

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By Frampton Jones

What a devastating loss to the island! Cling to your remaining bottles of gin, ladies and gentlemen, cherish every last remaining drop, for Lady M has been cruelly taken from us and we may never see her like again. As far as I know, the secret of her ‘botanicals’ that transformed dubious attempts at alcohol into sustenance for the soul, has gone with her. It is a loss we are all bound to feel most keenly.

I suspect foul play. Doc Willloughby tells me that such lacerations and bruising may reflect wholly natural causes – that it is very much what happens when a person has a hungry sea creature latch onto their head. Had Lady M’s remains been found on a beach, or other body of water, it may have been more convincing. “Air kraken,” Doc Willoughby suggested. “Tree lobsters. Sky sharks. Lots of options.”

There have been no reported sightings of any such things in a while, and the last occasion was just after Armitage Chevin’s seaweed cider party. That was the night people claimed to see the Devil rising from the sea, there were eleven rather awkward instances of mistaken identity, and I ended up with a small stain on my collar.

What makes me suspicious was the way in which Lady M’s body had been carefully laid out, her hands folded neatly across her chest and her skirts straightened and smoothed. It all points at one person – Mrs Beaten, who I recently suspected of murdering poor dear Fiona.

I am not alone in my suspicions. I spoke with a gentleman who wishes to remain anonymous this morning, and he told me he was afraid that his relationship with Lady M may have led to her death, because Mrs Beaten had taken to staring at him in the street and following him round. The anonymous gentleman in question has gone into hiding for the time being, in light of what happened to Nimrod.

Someone needs to sit Mrs Beaten down and give her a stern talking to. She can’t go round wiping out beloved members of our community in this way, it isn’t proper – and that may be the most persuasive thing anyone can say to stop her. It is undignified behaviour to murder one’s rivals, it is unbecoming and unseemly. I sincerely hope that there are no further incidents of this nature.

It has been mooted that we might best honour Lady M by pickling her in gin and installing her at a public location. The consensus however, is that we want to keep all the gin we’ve got. A more conventional burial will take place in a few days time. In the meantime, careful searches continue for any paperwork that will enable us to keep her gin-making wisdom alive.

Births, Deaths, Marriages, Island News

Craig Bean has fallen from the sky

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By Frampton Jones

Those of you who remember what happened last time giant slugs appeared from cracks in the island, will have been waiting for the birds to come.  Even so, I don’t think anyone was expecting Craig Bean to fall from the sky. To clarify, Craig Bean is not a large bird capable of eating giant slugs, he simply turned up with them. He may be one of our most unlikely arrivals and perhaps the person whose time with us has been briefest.

Having fallen from the sky, Craig Bean made some very peculiar utterances, and then departed this life. The great minds of the island have been chewing over his words for some days now, and have come to no agreement.

“They are coming,” he said. “It will be terrible.” He pointed at the sky, which was then full of hungry, giant birds, so the most obvious conclusion is that he meant them. Except that we’ve not had a great deal of trouble with birds eating people in the past.

Perhaps by ‘they’ he meant whatever came along last time to eat the birds, leading to a rain of blood across the island. We never did find out what that was all about – which may be as well. There can be mercy in ignorance.

Diligent islanders went through the gentleman’s pockets, thus establishing his name, and his involvement with a Martian Expeditionary Force. After some debate, we think this may be some kind of theatrical performance, or some kind of society for people who like air balloons – hence the fall from the sky. There are a few islanders convinced that this means our newly arrived and deceased islander either came from Mars, fell from Mars or was alluding to something coming here from Mars – all of which is patently ridiculous.

The unseasonably warm weather that bought us the giant slugs means that for a change, almost none of us has a cold and we’re all looking less pallid than usual! I haven’t felt so well in ages and it is hard to imagine that anything else falling out of our skies will be any more terrible than the horrors we are already perfectly accustomed to.

 

You can find out about the last time the birds came in this post – https://hopelessvendetta.wordpress.com/2009/08/28/the-horrors-continue/

And join the Hopeless Maine kickstarter for adventures in death and stretch goals here – https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/countrostov/tales-of-hopeless-maine