Category Archives: Hopeless inhabitants

Hopeless inhabitants

Jessica Law’s terrible things

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Images by Jessica Law, text by Nimue Brown.

Jessica Law was last seen on the island in the form of a haunted doll. This doesn’t appear to have stopped her from making a submission to the Hopeless, Maine scientific Society regarding new creature sightings on the island.

At the top we have something that will strike fear into many hearts. The business fly, with its distinctive briefcase and hat. You may find it buzzing around your ear trying to sell you donkey insurance, roof insurance and the opportunity to invest in eyes in the sky. The business fly will say anything at all to get your attention. This is a survival strategy designed to distract you while their friends spit on your food. None of the things they offer to sell you are real.

Then we have the rabbit slug. A true nightmare for gardeners, this being combines the rabbit’s fondness for your veg plot with the slug’s fondness for your veg plot. Unfortunately, it tastes like a slug, slides out of snares like a slug, resists salt like a rabbit and runs off like a rabbit using it’s slug end as one big foot. It really is more than the sum of its worst parts.

(You can find Jessica in many places – here she is on Apple Music https://music.apple.com/gb/artist/jessica-law/1454257809 )

Hopeless inhabitants

The Dark Snak

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This rather troubling snake (snak…. snek…) was discovered by Rhys Quinn back in the summer.

Now, we’ve had this conversation before about worshipping things. There are a lot of beings on the island that will try to persuade you that they are Gods and you should do their bidding. I remind you of that whole business with Ctholin.

Whether all of the things on the island claiming to be elder gods really are such things it is hard to say. However, this is your friendly reminder not to offend The Cuttlefish Overlords nor to cause the Ire of the Unspeakable Being who resides in the rafters of the church.

Hopeless inhabitants

Paperthins with Roz White

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Story by Roz White

Roz White, who has previously been accused of Making Things Up, might well have made this one up as well. Unfortunately, proof could be hard to come by insofar as there is a chance that, if true, the subject of this report has made off with said evidence. On the other hand, if the assertion turns out to be false, how are the missing pieces of paper from Ms White’s notebooks to be accounted for?

It all began when she opened her back door one blustery day (there are so many of those on the island that it is impossible to nail the date down any further) and saw a sheet of paper scurrying away. It rapidly vanished under the larder door and she thought no more of it – until she went to retrieve it later (a Later involving coffee and a mild lacing of rum)… and it was not there. Every now and then, Ms White noticed other sheets disappearing, breezing along the floor even when there was no breeze for them to breeze upon. It became bothersome when she made the correlation between the missing sheets and vital notes to her latest attempts at Making-Things-Up.

Thus she came to the conclusion that her notebooks were indeed a new lifeform. Named Paperthins, mainly for what they are of course, what they do, where they go and more importantly what they eat (always a vital question on the island, of course) remain so far shrouded in Mystery, and may indeed be merely another literary device intended to excite curiosity and hopefully an Urge To Purchase (Ms White is, after all, somewhat dependent upon such Purchases, and so her part in this ought surely to be suspect). But in the meantime, caution is urged, and as a preliminary measure it is recommended that all sheets of paper be nailed to the surface on which they rest. Much in the manner of errant Vampires…

(To further explore Things Roz White has Made Up wander this way – https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B07FN1FCZX/)

Hopeless inhabitants

The lesser spotted Alaric

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Image by Sarah Snell Pym, further text by Nimue Brown.

The lesser spotted Alaric was in fact spotted by Sarah Snell Pym, who is the island’s resident expert when it comes to the many and various curious habits of the Alaric. 

On the whole, Alarics tend to be shy and subtle creatures. Many of us will never knowingly see one.

The firestarting capabilities of these beings had been thought to simply be folkloric wishful thinking. The island is so cold and damp, that of course we all long for easy ways to make and sustain a good fire and it is only natural that there are many tales of things that do this, despite the general lack of scientific evidence to support such claims. Who amongst us has not struggled to get passably dry kindling to burn? 

However, the resident expert on the Alaric has now confirmed that the fire-making abilities are real. We advise against any sudden attempts to lure Alarics into your homes, and remind you of that time we all got very excited about what the black eyed meese were supposed to do and exactly how badly that went for people. There is a noted risk that the Alaric will burn your home down, and this is not a threat to take lightly.

Hopeless inhabitants

The Haunted Doll

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Story by Nimue Brown, image by Jessica Law

No one knows for certain who it was that made the Jessica Law doll. There are some who say it was Jessica herself, although even they argue about whether the doll is a product of some terrible occult action, or some equally terrible scientific madness.

The Jessica doll is two feet high – considerably smaller than the original. If you take the doll by the shoulders and engage it in a walking motion, the head swivels slowly from side to side and the eyelids go up and down. It is a most disconcerting effect. What is more troubling however is the way in which the doll moves any time you aren’t looking at it. These movements are often small and are seldom intrinsically threatening, but it is certainly the case that the doll declines to stay still for long.

If you find the doll inside your home, my advice is not to make it walk, nor to attempt to engage it in conversation. Treat it with respect and allow it plenty of space. That you could find the doll unexpectedly in your house is a distinct possibility. Do not, under any circumstances allow your children to play with it. While there is no clear evidence that the doll has evil intentions towards children, may I point out that it is both a doll, and clearly haunted and that a risk to children is a reasonable inference.

Of course the doll primarily raises questions about the whereabouts and activities of the original Jessica Law. There are some who say they saw her in the sea some months ago, and that she had grown tentacles, or perhaps reverted to her original and tentacular form. There are others who claim that she has become a terrifying bird-woman and now spends most of her time on the cliffs screaming at the sea. Others assure me that she was a mermaid all along. Any of these things are possible. Perhaps all of these things are possible and she is a creature of many shapes and natures. If that is so, then perhaps the Jessica Law doll really is Jessica herself, in her current manifestation.

Hopeless inhabitants

David Feasey’s Bestiary

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David Feasey has spotted a three new island creatures, and one we are pretty sure we’ve seen before. Experts from the Hopeless, Maine Scientific Society suspect that the leaf crawler might in fact be a gutter creature, although arguments continue about whether there really is a head at each end, or whether David might have observed a pair of them engaged in some kind of unconventional mating activity.

We are reliably informed that the Benistanto Batiliot is delicious, if somewhat chewy.

Hopeless inhabitants

An alarming plant

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I’m fairly sure that this plant was discovered by Susie Roberts. Now, I know there was that whole business earlier in the year with Susie experimenting at length with the possibilities of licking dustcats for their hallucinogenic effects, but bear with me…

This one does seem to be real. It’s rare because it can only bloom in dry conditions and let’s face it, the island is, most of the time, damp. However, it can show up in response to outdoors fires, and can be a very pretty addition if you’ve decided to burn your deceased relative rather than burying them.

Hopeless inhabitants

Clarence of the Library

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By Pauline Pitchford

Clarence became aware of his differences quite early in his life. For one thing he was much smaller than any of the others in his clan. He was also rather lacking in the claw department. He had claws but they were delicate things that retracted rather than the fearsome talons wielded by others in his clan. He also came to realise that he was much smarter than they were. That’s not to say his fellow dustcats were stupid, they had considerable cunning, but they were limited in their understanding of certain things that Clarence was increasingly curious about.

Clarence had been born in the library. This may have something to do with his differences but it may not. Dustcats like libraries, libraries have large collections of books and books, as anyone with a reasonable collection of them will know, collect dust. Lots and lots of dust. But Clarence discovered that libraries also contain words, lots of them, almost as many words as the dust. Words liked to gather in groups. Some of the words were a bit standoffish but most of the others were perfectly happy to whisper their sibilant secrets to Clarence. A few were a little offended that Clarence couldn’t be something called “possessed”, they never did explain what that was, but on the whole the words seemed to enjoy Clarence and he certainly enjoyed them. Sometimes the words asked Clarence to do things for them and where he could arrange things for them he did. He wasn’t sure why the humans were so upset by these things as they didn’t bother to explain themselves and treated Clarence as an annoying pest in spite of his genius. There, I’ve said it, Clarence was a genius, the sibilant words all agreed with this conclusion, and such beings are usually misunderstood. The words, however, encouraged Clarence to explore and find new pockets of dust for his clan and new gatherings of words to learn from. Soon Clarence knew the secrets of the library better than any other being that lived there and that’s when things really started to get interesting.

But that’s another story.

(Pauline wrote the text and made the adorable needlefelt dustcat!)

Hopeless inhabitants

Hideous pinks

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Nikki Price’s Monster with illustration by Tracey Abrahams

Strange beast, long in shape, six ugly heads each head with nine eyes.

Fed on bodies of fallen visitors, unable to say at this time if it is able to kill, or just feasts on the remains.

The end of the tail seems to contain a stinger. If you disturb it, it will swish towards you. It is able to stand almost upright so the stinger can easily reach a person’s throat.

I ran away before it could reach me. Luckily, whilst in motion it seems quite slow. It is pink in colour and stays amongst the pink shrubs which makes it hard to find.

(We’re not absolutely saying that anyone had licked a dustcat ahead of this monster encounter, but this is an unusually cheerful colour for an island entity and some of us are suspicious!)

Hopeless inhabitants

Rhys Quinn – resident

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The curious thing about Rhys is how often he turns out to have been at the scene of terrible accidents, killings and events that were possibly murders. And yet, somehow he’s never actually looking the right way at the time. Sometimes he hears the screams, he tells us, but by then it tends to be too late.

More conspiracy-minded folk amongst you may have leapt to the conclusion that Rhys is a master-criminal who has, for many years, escaped both detection and justice.

You’d be wrong about that.

Often there are other witnesses about who are able to confirm that Rhys certainly was where he said he was and that he cannot possibly have caused whatever thing it was this time.

The more superstitious amongst you may be wondering if there could be some uncanny or magical reason why Rhys causes terrible things to happen to other people. Is his cane a cursed item? Is there a demon following around?

One of our gentlemen of the Scientific Society explained to me that Rhys causes a fortune entanglement because he emits an etheric wave rather than a particle, which can be demonstrated if you get Mr Quinn to stand in front of a large mirror while entirely covered in mud. So far Mr Quinn has declined to repeat this experiment and we can hardly disapprove of his reluctance!