You can tell by looking at him, that absolutely no orphans have been consumed by this gentleman.

One of the things folklore has taught us is that it is important to be polite. This is why we refer to fairies as good neighbours, even if they do steal our milk and our children and take our cows for weird nighttime adventures. Not that fairies are usually the ones to blame around here, but they make for a nice, safe, example. The odds of offending them are pretty slim, as they are such good neighbours as to not be neighbours at all.

It is also a good idea to praise the helpfulness of goblins rather than complaining about what they borrow. ‘Steal’ is such a judgemental word. Goblins often pay for what they take, or leave gifts. If you have ever found unexpected bones in your home, this is probably why.

Sometimes it is best not to risk causing offence by naming an entity in too blunt or derogative a way. It is best therefore to say that Mark is a fine gentleman. A very sensible and reasonable gentleman. Definitely not someone who would at any point have felt to urge to so much as nibble a research orphan. Certainly not someone who would take an orphan as an apprentice, conduct hideous experiments on them and then eat the results.

That definitely didn’t happen, and I for one will sleep more soundly at night for having been so very clear on the subject.

(This unfortunate incident was brought to you by Mark Hayes and Nimue Brown)