Text and image by Mark Hayes
Field Journal Notes of Philander Jones
Lead research botanist and chemist of the Hopeless Horticultural Society
It has long been established that almost all Toadstools on the island are poisonous to one degree or another. Notably the Death Night Cap, Old Widows Crust, Destroying Archangel, Fools Damp Funeral and Yellow-Strainer should all be carefully avoided.
The recent discovery of the new species Toadtables however we have discovered are perfectly edible. Native to the island they grow wherever you find other toadstools. Generally, in the middle of a patch of the fungi, with toadstools arranged around them in a suitable seating pattern.
Some scientifically uninformed individuals have said a toadtable is formed when several toadstools grow into each other forming a single long flat fungus with four or more stems but we of the Hopeless Horticulture Society refute this, we have determined it is definably a separate species and rigorous testing with our current research orphan has determined they are both nutritious and non-lethal.
The research orphan also reported a slight giddiness, weakness of the legs, feelings of elation, and then spent the better part of an afternoon in a semi-comatose state. Importantly though he did not die, which was a bonus as the next hiring fair is still three months away.
Having rigorously tested the Toadtable’s for basic edibility we progressed to stage two and brewed them into a nice tea which we surprised the research orphan with two days later, under the auspices of blind testing. One notes the research orphan was somewhat reticent to imbibe the tea, on account of a certain unfortunate wariness he has developed of late about things he is encouraged to partake of by members of the society.
Luckily the funnel and hose pipe delivery method worked just fine after we tied him down to the research chair.
It is to be noted that this can bias results due to unnatural stress placed upon the research orphan, and the effect upon his state of mind at been forced to partake.
The transcribed notes of the experiment also reflect this unfortunate methodology. It is difficult to be certain whether he called us all ‘A set of utter bastards’ and entreating us to ‘Go jump in the sea’ due to the tea increasing his innate aggression or just a reaction to being forcing to drink it.
His refusal to answer any of our questions about his state of mind, the effects of the tea and how he was feeling in general afterwards were frustrating. He has however developed an alarming twitch, bursts out laughing at irregular intervals and tried to run away three times.
This is a shame as we were going to write to Reverend Davis commending the robustness of our latest research orphan. We’ve not had one last this long before, and as you know the improved hardiness of research orphans is important for the advancement of science.
Further testing will be required, as we suspect will be a new research orphan come the next hiring fair.