(by Frampton Jones)
Ladies and Gentlemen of Hopeless, I present to you photographic proof of the existence of spoonwalkers. A recent explosion in their population no doubt accounts for the unusual number of missing spoons our island has suffered of late. Spoonwalkers are shy creatures, tending to be active at night. At this time, their glowing eyes are the most notable feature, should you happen to encounter one. As you will notice from the image I captured, spoonwalkers have no discernable feet, and when deprived of aids, find mobility difficult. I assume that the wild entities they descended from employed wood and other natural debris as a mode of transport, while descendants have moved into homes and adopted cutlery as a preferred source of material. These borrowed leg extensions enable them to take longer strides and move at remarkable speed. It also explains why spoons and sometimes forks will turn up in the most unexpected places, abandoned perhaps when the borrower no longer has need of them.
It is my great pleasure to lay this mystery to rest, thanks to that most remarkable of modern innovations, the camera. Given time, science will provide answers to all such mysteries.
Ooh! Are they dangerous? Might one be tamed? Do they hunt vermin?
I know so little about the lives of spoonwalkers. In my experience, they are not dangerous. I beleive that they do indeed hunt, and use the advantage of extra leg length in this. However, have yet to determin exactly what it is they hunt. As for taming one, I have not tried, but would be itnerested to hear of any progress you, or others, make in this regard!
Can they use chopsticks? Or is this ability restricted to some as-yet-undiscovered Asian species…
While researching a matter of which I will not share the details of with you, I came across your article concerning your growing problem. It seems that you, the good folks (I truly can not attest to your actual goodness, I’m only being polite and can but hope that I am correct, which in most cases I am but I leave this to be judged by me and me alone at a later date) of Hopeless Maine may be experiencing the first wave of a Household Spirit invasion. Spoonwalkers. These may or may not be, in fact, Household Spirits. Having investigated no further that reading this article I can not say with one hundred percent accuracy, but often times my first assumption is correct, in fact I can not recall a time when it wasn’t… having attempted recollection it turns out that I have no examples of a time when my first assumption wasn’t indeed one hundred percent correct, therefore you should be comforted by my correctness yet disturbed that I believe you the people of Hopeless may soon be in a situation that without my steadfast assistance will undoubtedly begin as a nuisance and escalate into a fair amount of trouble causing you to seek me out to investigate, devise a course of action and instruct you in the proper way of following through with said action that I have devised.
Often minor Household Spirits venture off into less populated areas and commence shenanigans. Unless detained or ousted they will surely signal more unruly and obtrusive Household Spirits to join them in your seemingly blissful township.
I am offering you my services as a Household Spirit Investigator now. Seeing no reason to wait for you to realize how urgently you will need my expertise and thus saving you the hardship of tracking me down and seeking my counsel.
I advise that you make travel and boarding arrangements for me to travel to and board in Hopeless immediately upon completion of this message and forward them along to the return address on this envelope that once contained this message and I will come to your aid as soon as I receive said arrangements.
Professor Enoch Swaine
how did Mr. swain get the message about the infestation ?and how dose he hope to reach hopeless?if there is turly no way in or out of the island i fear mr swain may not be all that he appears!
“How” indeed. Most often a misdirected question directed in a direction it is surely bound to miss. The “How” of the matter inconsequential to the “When” and “to what degree of suffering shall precede the remedy I alone am learned in halting”
If you have been appointed the station of representing the constitutes Hopeless I assure you to the best of my ability to assure and to yours of receiving such assurance that the “How” will be one of the last questions answered once I my aide has been rendered. Weasels and Salutations
Professor Enoch Swaine