(Art by Dr Abbey, text by Nimue)

Should I get in the sea? If you have asked yourself this question recently please read the helpful answers below.

There are dead people in the sea. Some of them are people who got into the sea of their own free will. You might not enjoy being close to them. You really won’t enjoy becoming one of them.

Even if the air is unusually warm and you’ve seen the sun, the sea will be very cold. Cold like the merciless depths of space. Cold like the uncaring madness of elder gods. Unless you in fact are an elder god, the odds are it will not be a ‘refreshing dip’.

Can you swim? If the answer is no, then getting in the sea is just going to kill you. We have tides, currents, pointy rocks and angry sea life. You are soft and squishy and easy to break.

If you can swim, you probably learned somewhere else where the sea is not so hostile. Our sea is full of beings who can swim faster than you and who are also hungry.

We’ve got mermaids. They can swim faster than you, and they are always hungry. We’ve also got jellyfish women who might not be fast, but are subtle and deadly. There are quite a few sea monsters out there, or possibly just the one sea monster with considerable diversity of body parts. Best not to try and establish the truth on that score.

I don’t care who told you that cold water swimming brings many health benefits. They weren’t from round here, clearly.