(By Nimue Brown)

We’ve tried horoscopes over the years, and we might try them again, but this year the newly formed Psychic Society of Hopeless, Maine wish to share their findings from an omen walk taken on New Year’s Day. Here follows the society’s report to The Hopeless Vendetta.

It started badly because Idris fell over a dead bird just as he was leaving his house and Mildred couldn’t get out at all because of the donkey on her roof doing unspeakable things. Idris Po wishes to make clear that he has joined the society as an observer and in no way claims to be psychic. 

During the walk, Aspiration Jones observed seventeen dead or decaying things and considers this to be a good omen for the island on the grounds that seventeen is an exceptionally magical number of great power. 

“When it comes to occult matters it’s important to remember that death doesn’t literally mean death,” Aspiration explained. “It can mean change and transformation, the death of the old to make way for the new.”

Idris Po has expressed his uncertainty about this interpretation. “Clearly with regards to deceased seabirds and the half eaten chicken we found, there is some scope for reading signs in this way. However, I think in the case of Gobby Chevin, death can be considered to be an absolute.”

We wait with interest to see whether Gobby Chevin will experience transformation. It is widely held to be the case that the tentacles on his elbow are very much alive and well.

“I found some really nice sea glass on the beach, which is definitely a good omen, I think this is going to be a good year for the island,” Aspiration reports.

“I accidentally trod on a really large, exceedingly dead crab and it made a horrible crunching noise,” Idris contributed. “It made me feel a bit sick.”