Tag Archives: Hopeless

News Item

Organ Repair Appeal

Leave a comment
The Organ

(Frampton Jones)

Yesterday Reverend Davies launched an appeal to do something about the dire state of his organ. The device, built thirty seven years ago by the infamous Testimony Albatross, is a remarkable feat of engineering and musical genius that Hopeless has perhaps taken for granted. In the many years since the demise of Albatross, the organ has gradually lost tone and some of its more creative functions no longer work. In the last few years, it has lost all semblance of tunefulness, and is consequently only used for funerals.

Inventor and repair expert Balthazar Lemon proposes an overhaul of the fabulous instrument. However, to fix the biggest organ in Hopeless, will require help from the whole community. Donations to the project much appreciated. Any small metal items, including wire, would be of great help. Balthazar Lemon requests any left handed sprockets, cat-stoppers and fids anyone happens to have spare. He would very much like some clewgarnets as well, and a selection of spoons in varying sizes, from teaspoons through to large serving spoons – metal, not wood. Donations can be left at the church or the lighthouse.

News Item

Returning to Life

Leave a comment
Modesty Jones, with tentacles

For the last two weeks, I have not had the strength to gather news, much less work the printing press. I have recollections of fever induced nightmares, sweating and fighting with monsters no one else could see. I gather I was one of the first to be struck down by this sickness. In these last weeks, and I estimate that nearly a half of the islanders have suffered from this monstrous contagion. Hunger Hill Establishment for the Weak and Confused has become a temporary hospital for the afflicted. Modesty Jones is currently in residence there (see photograph) which has not been a disaster for local journalism.

A number of eyes opened on my skin. I was not personally able to see through them, I do not know if anything else could. During the fever, I considered myself inhabited and others who have recovered report similar experiences. Most of the eyes have gone now, aside from one in the centre of my chest. I did not experience the outgrowths of tentacles, although others have suffered these disturbing growths. Some fall off with time, others have not, thus far.

I have not ascertained the extent of this sickness, but it appears widespread. I am not aware of any fatalities as yet, although there is much concern that abnormalities will remain. The cause is unknown, and there appears to be no cure beside waiting it out. Doc Willoughby remained unavailable for comment, which is unusual for him. All insight in this matter will be much appreciated.

News Item
1 Comment

This newsletter edition is brought to you by Doc Willoughby and Modesty Jones.

Frampton Jones has not been very well.    Now that we have taken the camera off him, we   think hope he will get better soon.

There was a fire in Al Chevin’s barn. No one was hurt. ..

Arlingham Jones says  he’s seen a ghost and he’s pretty sure it was Miss Calder.

Jed Grimes s ays he has lots of bits of string for sale this week.    You can do lots of stuff with string. It’s really useful.  #

Piety and Malcolm Attila have had a daughter but apparently don’t know what to call her but don’t want any more suggestions thank you!

 

 

Otherwise we haven’t been able to find much news so probably nothing much happened.
Local Event, News Item, Uncategorized

Delays on the Bridge

Leave a comment

 

Excavation site at dusk

 

Work to lay the foundations for Balthazar Lemon’s bridge to the mainland hit a setback. The small headland to the south of the harbour had been determined as the best spot, facing where our brightest thinkers understand the mainland to be. However, this small headland turned out not to be rock, as first imagined. Excavations to put down support posts revealed wood. Work on the bridge has stopped because all of those involved were far more interested in finding out what this buried wood is from, than in building the bridge. Your humble editor is not a man of science, but feels the future should take precedent over the past.
 
Man hours have been lost in digging up the sandbank. This work has revealed the remains of a ship. A large one, as far as can be ascertained, although the vast majority remains buried. Already tales are flying around, filling the wreck with imagined treasures. I would like to assure readers that based on my observations, the ship is filled with mud, slime and old seaweed.
 
Plans to lay the bridge foundations are delayed, but I have been assured the work will continue.
 
News Item

Spade Up Sunday

1 Comment
who knows how your meese will grow?

 Yes folks, this Sunday is the day to get your spade out, before the ground freezes. The first frosts will have softened up the black eyed meese, and there’s no shortage of them under the hedges and in dank corners this year.

I find it works best to gather them into on old pot, cup or other lidless container, for ease of lifting in the spring, and to bury them at a depth of about a foot. A thick layer of kitchen scraps will help them grow. However, from experience it is best to give them only vegetable matter. Meese who are given meat scraps frequently turn out aggressive.

Local Event

Wishing you a fine Apple Sunday

2 Comments
celebrating our island's heritage

It’s a tradition whose origins are lost, and a very fine piece of our local heritage. This Sunday’s Apple Procession begins at the Church at 10am after the Apple Blessing service. Following the green dancers in their foliage attire, and the drummers, the Procession will then make its way around the island’s farms. Hopefully this year’s drummers will have some sense of rhythm between them. (I shudder, recalling the horrors of trying to march to last year’s attempts).

We will be following the traditional route, but, after numerous requests, the wild apple tree at the end of Silver Street will be our first port of call. While each farmer will be providing buckets of blood for the traditional blessing, those attending are welcome to carry their own as well. As ever, bring gifts to hang in the trees – ribbons are good. Make sure whatever you bring is dead before you try and tie it to anything, or anyone. If the weather holds, it should be an excellent day out. The Crow will be supplying a range of apple themed dishes in the evening to round of the festivities.

News Item

Dig?

1 Comment
drustan s
Drustan O'Stoat, now deceased

Our mysterious fish messenger is back. The word ‘Dig’ was left in assorted aquatic creatures and shells on the O’Stoat family vault some time before yesterday morning. I was alerted to the presence of the word by Master Owen Davies. It is a curious invitation. Was it made by the same person who left us the words ‘dead’ linked to the recent, unresolved murder at the O’Stoat mansion? What would be the use of digging up those long since deceased?

Doc Willoughby’s study of the gory remains leads him to think that the victim of the recent mansion murder was Drustan O’Stoat, son of Melisandra and Durosimi O’Stoat. One can only imagine what terrible circumstances led these two parents to murder their offspring.

Search parties on the island have yet to find any trace of the pair. I am not encouraging citizens to open the O’Stoat tomb. If whoever is leaving these messages actually knows something, will they please come forward and make their insight known.

News Item

The Bone Mystery Deepens!

Leave a comment
bones s
bones on the beach

Are the bones of our ancestor walking? A number of reliable witnesses report having seen a skeletal form wandering the shoreline at twilight. This may explain the disappearance of the recently discovered remains from the library, but we must ponder what strange enchantment has put life into the bones. Is there intelligence inside that hollow skull? And if so, what does it intend? Should we leave this be as yet another peculiar feature of our island life, or should the bones be stopped before they do something dire? Can we trust the undead remains of our ancestor? After all, no one has established who the body belonged to and we have no idea if the spirit that moves it is kindly disposed towards the rest of us. I would advise caution until we know more about this matter.

News Item

Who Founded Hopeless?

Leave a comment
our ancestor?
our ancestor?

 

Digging for a new privy in his back garden this week, Jasper Fingle uncovered what may be the oldest grave on the island. Bones and artefacts found in the grave raise questions about who was here first and how long the island has been settled. Local historian and schoolteacher Arlingham Jones told me “It’s the most exciting find the island has ever seen. The body is very old. It predates all records of settlement here. The remains are being kept in the town’s library for further study, and the items with them will go on display there.”

 Alongside the remains were found a copper mirror, a pot, and several items as yet unidentified. Reverend Davies said “Clearly this wasn’t a proper Christian burial. We should carry out a proper funeral at once.” Doc Willoughby has been asked to examine the remains and Jasper Fingle is proposing to dig over the rest of his garden in the hopes of finding more graves.