Tag Archives: Hopeless Maine scientific society

Flora and fauna

The science of dustcats

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Dustcats are much debated by The Scientific Society of Hopeless, Maine.

Observations of James Weaslegrease: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a dustcat should be able to fly. The dustcat, of course, flies anyway, because who cares about tiny details like the laws of physics.

Keith Errington: As a fellow member of the Scientific Society, I am astounded by your inaccuracy Mr. Weaselgrease, clearly dustcats do not fly, they are simply not capable of flying, to suggest as much is tantamount to lunacy. No. Clearly dustcats float. And it’s their floating that defies all known laws of physics. (Even the ones that “Professor” Evenheist made up).

Mark Hayes: dust ‘floats’ in the air due suspension in air currents , until it settles on a surface, in the same way that heavier particles ‘float’ in water, suspended in the medium a dust cat does not fly, it ‘floats’.

James Weaslegrease: Your theory, whilst interesting, has some room for improvement. Floating is what occurs when a creature has buoyancy within the appropriate body, be that liquid or gaseous. It, critically, involves no input from the creature itself to sustain, and does not allow for directed movement, forcing the creature to move as the flow of its surroundings dictates. With this in mind, I have performed several tests with a dustcat’s favoured human, as well as some especially tasty piles of dust, and have concluded that dustacats are entirely capable of “floating” towards whatever their target is with far too much regularity to be a coincidence. Therefore, since their aerial mobility is controlled, it constitutes flight, as opposed to floating.

At this point it needs noting that the debate in question had occurred informally at The Squid and Teapot and that further insights may be less than perfectly scientific in nature…

Herb Chevin: Your mum’s a dustcat.

James Weaselegrease: You wish my mum was a dustcat.

Bob Evenheist: I have proved beyond any shadow of a doubt that my theories about physics…

Herb Chevin: I’ve got a theory that if I punch you really hard, you’ll shut up. Want to test it?

At this point Herb Chevin undertook to punch Bob Evenheist. Bob flew through the air in a graceful arc and then just lay horizontally in the air above the fireplace, looking awkward until she was towed out at closing time. Various conclusions have been drawn from this, but frankly none of them were useful.

(Image by Nimue. Text by named individuals, other bits also by Nimue.)

Hopeless inhabitants

For Science!

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I first discovered the Hopeless Maine Scientific Society back when I was working on the obituaries. And for those of you who weren’t reading the Vendetta then, let me explain. We did a kickstarter, with obituaries as a perk for the first 100 backers, so I spent an autumn killing people here on the blog. Fun times!

It turned out that the Scientific Society had a high mortality rate for some reason. Hopeless may not be a good place to live if you have a profound attachment to rationalism, confidence in conventional physics and an interest in biology that cannot accommodate random detritus posing as life forms.  Further, the pursuit of reason, across a misty cove towards a jellyfish woman, is not a pursuit that tends to end well.

The above image shows some of the gentlemen of the Hopeless Maine Scientific Society, and features in the Optimists volume. All of the gentlemen featured are, in the loosest sense of the term, real. On the right hand side, we have Keith Errington and Keith Healing, both of whom are heavily involved in all things Hopeless. On the left we have James Weaselgrease and Robin Treefellow. These two anarchic scientists will be involved with the Hopeless Maine online festival as they attempt to recruit new members for their society.

Births, Deaths, Marriages, Island News

Lizz-Ayn Shaarawi will not return from the forest

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By Frampton Jones

Most years we lose someone to the trees. Or to what lurks among the trees. Most of us do not venture further than the edges of the woods and rightly so – the heart of this island is a heart of wooded darkness and those who go seldom return.

Lizz-Ayn Shaarawi was, depending on who you ask, either a remarkable pioneer or a total idiot. The Hopeless Maine Scientific Society described her as ‘a tireless seeker of truth, an absolute stalwart whose work has greatly enhanced our understanding of the woods.’ Having survived for nine years as a member of that notorious society, Lizz-Ayn bucked the trend for rapid demise in the name of science. Ignorance may not be bliss, but knowledge so often proves fatal.

For the past three years, Lizz-Ayn had been studying evidence for strange, humanoid life forms living in our woods. She made many forays into the trees, coming back with stories that were troubling, entertaining, wonderful or terrible, depending on who you ask about it. On her last foray, two gentlemen of the Hopeless Maine Scientific Society accompanied her – Jethro Necropolis and Newtonian Jones (previously Godfearing Jones). Only Newtonian survived.

Newtonian Jones told me, “We were attacked. Jethro Necropolis tried to defend us with a new weapon he’d been developing, which blew up and killed him outright. Lizz-Ayn was saved from the blast by a massive, hairy creature that swung in and carried her off. I expect by now it will have eaten her.” He could not absolutely confirm her death, but it seems a fair inference as it took Newtonian a week to make it back to the town and there has been no sign of her in that time.

The Hopeless Maine Scientific Society calculates that a person who goes missing for a day has a fifty percent chance of reappearing. For every day that passes, the odds of survival radically diminish, and after seven days, there is a one in six hundred chance of not being dead. This is the second time Newtonian has managed those one in six hundred odds, and it will be Lizz-Ayn’s third time beating the probabilities if she does return.