(Image kindly donated by Captain Kuppa T, text by Keith Errington)

Standing by the railing of the Airship Lady Grey, Captain Horatio KuppaT surveyed the skies. It was a beautiful clear day, and he could see from the spires of Oxford right across the Cotswolds. After a few moments, he turned and appraised his craft. It wasn’t a large airship by any means, but in the Captain’s mind, it was a perfectly formed vessel crewed with loyal shipmates. He scanned the deck, checking that everything was suitably airship-shape.

As he was doing so, his first mate, Stoker Sam, popped his head up from below and joined the Captain, who then tutted loudly.

“Captain?” queried Sam, who could see the Captain was not happy.

“Your balls, man!” The Captain said.

“What?” Sam was taken aback and immediately checked his trousers.

“Stow your balls.” The Captain ordered.

“I… err…”

“Your cannonballs, man. They are about to become loose. We can’t have your balls all over the deck – what would Lady Mojo say!”

“Aye, aye, Captain – I’ll get on it straight away.” And Sam went to attend to the task.

As if summoned by the mention of her name, Lady Mojo sauntered across the deck. As always, she was attired in a most colourful and splendid outfit. She exuded grace and charm.

“Good Morning, Captain.” She said. “Everything okay!”

“Oh, Yes. Just talking to Sam about his balls.”

“Pardon?”

“Oh,” the Captain sighed. “Look, err… Never mind. “Are you ready for it?”

“What?” Lady Mojo looked shocked.

“Are you ready for the experiment?”

“I think three people is enough, Captain. I don’t think I could handle one more. Although that waiter the other day was very fit…”

“I’m not talking about the band, Lady Mojo.”

“Neither was I, to be fair.” Countered Lady Mojo, smiling wistfully.

“Are you ready to try the new drive? The experimental airship drive?”

“Oh, yes, Captain – all ready”, replied Lady Mojo, composing herself. “It’s all very exciting, isn’t it?”

Sam had returned from the minor task and was waiting expectantly.

“Stoker Sam, fire up the prototype Oolong drive!” The captain commanded.

It was only a few days ago that the experimental displacement drive had been installed amidships under the watchful eye of the maker, Herr Doktor. The drive was based on an idea dreamed up by Professor Elemental. The Captain was honoured that these two titans of the steampunk world had chosen his airship to test it out. Although, at the back of his mind, he did rather wonder why they didn’t test it themselves. Still, they seemed awfully keen that someone else should have the honour of its maiden voyage, which was very humble of them.

Sam disappeared behind the machinery and a faint rumble issued from the drive.

“Brace yourself!” Warned the Captain.

“We are not doing that again!” said Lady Mojo sternly.

The Captain was about to point out he was only referring to the drive when the whole ship shimmered… no… actually… everything shimmered. The airship, the landscape below them, the clouds and themselves. There was a whoosh, followed by a sucking noise, and then their ears popped, and they appeared to be somewhere else. The blue skies had gone to be replaced by a grey, slightly foggy sky. In between wisps of fog, they could see land below, but it certainly wasn’t England. It was dark and, somehow, menacing.

There was a slight grinding noise as the Captain announced, “It worked! It bally worked!

“Ahem.” Said Sam, who had just run up to the Captain and was now standing to attention.

“We’ve been transported somewhere else!” Said the Captain excitedly. “Well, I must admit I had my doubts, but those two scallywags have actually done it! Total displacement!”

“CAPTAIN!” Sam shouted as the grinding stopped, and the airship lurched slightly.

“Oh, for goodness’ sake, Sam.” The Captain chided, “Can’t you see this is a significant moment? We are the first people to be displaced!”

“There’s a slight problem…” said Sam.

“Slight?” Asked the Captain.

“Minor, really.”

“How minor?

“The sort of crashing into the ground, minor,” replied Sam.

“Ah… WHAT?”

“Well, the motors that keep the airship moving have failed – and for some reason, the balloon is not keeping us in the air.  We are drifting…

“Aha…”

“And slowly descending.”

“I see. Well, can we use the Oolong drive again? Asked the Captain.

“Not without the motors – they power the Oolong drive too.”

“Oh, cannonballs!” Exclaimed the Captain loudly. “Hmm. Well, in that case, there is only one thing for it.”

“What’s that?” asked Sam.

“I’ll go and put the kettle on.”

“Excellent thinking, Horatio!” affirmed Lady Mojo.

A few minutes later, sipping his tea, the Captain could see they were indeed sinking.

“So where are we, Sam?” Asked the Captain.

“We appear to be above an island, but not one that’s on any map. There seems to be nothing but spikey vegetation directly below us. We are going down. It’s hopeless.”

“Ah. I’ve been thinking.” The Captain stated.

“Is that wise?” Asked Lady Mojo.

Ignoring her gentle chide, the Captain continued, “If we were lighter, we might go up. Which would buy us some time.”

“Yes, Captain.” Agreed Sam.

“Right, start tossing Sam.” Ordered the Captain.

“What? Here? Now?” Sam looked aghast.

Dear Lord, thought the Captain, why did his crew not understand simple English? “Jettison all unessential supplies.”

“Aye, aye!” Sam looked relieved.

Sam did as he was told. Minutes later, it was clear that tossing several crates of supplies overboard had only slowed their descent.

“It’s not enough, Captain!” Sam pointed out.

“I can see that. Quick, find something else we can lose. What’s left?”

“Well, there is one thing…”

“Do it, man! This is life and death here!”

“Are you sure, Captain?”

“Look, just get on with it, will you – no time to waste!”

More crates were tossed overboard. They were perilously close to the ground now. But the airship had finally stopped descending.

“Not sure how long it will last without fixing the motors. If only we could fix them, we could inflate the balloon and get moving again.” Explained Stoker Sam.

“Right, well, yes. I think more tea is called for, don’t you, Lady Mojo?”

“Certainly Horatio. Tea!” Agreed Lady Mojo.

“Ah…” said Sam in a significant way.

“Ah?” queried the Captain.

“Well, the last thing we dumped…”

“Yes?” said the Captain slowly, drawing out the word.

“Was all our tea,” explained Sam.

“My God, man! Are you serious?”

“Yes”

“Why the bally badger would you toss the tea? We’re not colonials, you know. What were you thinking?”

“But you said it was life and death,” Sam protested.

“Be reasonable, man! Tea IS life and death!” The Captain shuddered. “Dear Lord, the situation is worse than I thought. We are in dire need!”

The Captain struck a heroic pose. He found it helped him think. “Right, what’s wrong with the motors?”

“As far as I can tell, the drive belt was displaced by effects of the Oolong drive”.

“Displaced? Where?”

“I don’t know, Captain, somewhere else.”

“Hmm.” The Captain struck a second, even more heroic pose.

After a few seconds, the Captain asked, “How long is it?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Oh, for goodness’ sake. This is getting ridiculous. How long is the drive belt?”

“Oh. It’s only a small one – four or five feet maximum.” Answered Sam.

“Aha!” The Captain exclaimed. “Here, take my scarf; it’s made of Unbelievabum – strong as steel!”

“I knitted it myself!” Lady Mojo added proudly.

Sam shook his head but did as he was told. He disappeared, and for a few minutes, there were muffled sounds of work.

Suddenly, there was a low humming that the Captain and Lady Mojo recognised.

“The engines!” They exclaimed together.

“Yes,” said the Captain, “They do seem to be running again.”

Within minutes, the balloon was reinflating, and the ship began to rise. Sam returned to them with a slightly smug look on his face.

“Fantastic!” He said, smiling. “That ridiculous trick with the scarf worked! Thank Goodness. We can go home now.”

The Captain looked appalled. “Are you insane, man? Somewhere down there is the tea. Our tea! We have to find it, land and get it back!