By Frampton Jones

Arthur Foot III, Lord Loverduc of The Cogkneys gave me a curious education into the strange world that exists somewhere beyond our unquiet waters. I was never able to ascertain to my satisfaction where The Cogkneys are, but understand it to be a small kingdom with its own language, based on English, but wholly inexplicable to non-natives.

Arthur’s ribald poetry made him a popular figure at any gathering, saving for the Church picnic, from which he was banned at least four times for making lewd remarks. Not that the ban proved effective. I think Arthur saw all gatherings of people as potential audiences and acted accordingly.

His death was unfortunate, and it seems that he was killed deliberately – with repeated blows to the head. As the killer left a helpful letter to explain their motives, Doc Willoughby has not needed to assess the body and there’s not much need for further investigation. A note was left on Arthur’s fallen form, that clearly reads, “Let this be a warning to all of you who live careless, unGodly lives and bring this island into disrepute.” Clearly, any of us could be next by that reckoning, and we can safely assume that either Reverend Davies or Mrs Beaten is to blame.

Arthur is survived by fellow shipwreckee from his Cogkney kingdom, Miss Tilly Maydme, who said “He was a dirty old man, but I’ll miss him.” When I suggested that Arthur had not seemed so very old, she burst into tears, and said, “That’s what he always said.”