By Frampton Jones

Cryptozoologist Tim Hewitt devoted his life to the study of the flora and fauna of Hopeless, and those things that are reluctant to settle in either category. His work took him into the wilds, and in many ways it is a wonder he survived for as many years as he did. It turns out that it wasn’t his love of uncanny creatures that killed him in the end, it was his failure to pay attention to the horrorscopes for this year.

I admit it doesn’t help that some of them aren’t terribly specific and that often my astrologer gets the birth signs wrong, but they are always right in the ways that count. Tim Hewitt died as a direct consequence of something he dug up in his own garden. Neighbours tell me they had been uneasy about his root vegetables for some time. “I saw them moving about,” Hoff Chevin told me. “And not in a reassuring way like a night potato. I’ll eat anything, me, but I wouldn’t’ve eaten those. ”

Having viewed Tim’s remains, Doc Willoughby came to the following conclusion. “It’s like he ate something that busted out of his stomach and then dragged him out of the house and planted him upright in the soil.”

Neighbours were able to confirm that Tim’s body had indeed been left where the row of uneasy root veg had previously been growing. There was no sign of other roots. After some discussion, it was decided to just cover Tim over where he is and hope for the best, as no one could face digging him out. As Tim’s remains were exposed from the waist up, this proved to be quite a job too and the end result is a tad unsettling. Best to stay away from his garden for the time being.

Hoff Chevin told me he wonders if anything will grow from Tim’s remains.